There’s plenty of advice floating out there on the great wide interwebs on how you can win your customers’ undying love for ever and ever in just three simple steps. (Inevitably one of those steps will be a sales pitch encouraging you to refinance your house and sell your first born.)
But maybe it’s easier to look at the ways you’re losing your customer’s love. A good place to start is from the bottom and work your way up, right?
1. Make Your Business Ridiculously Hard To Find
So your business has a playful nature. Let’s engender that playfulness by hiding our business! Your bricks-and-mortar location is impossible to find, and who knows if you actually have a website because even Google doesn’t know where it is.
2. Don’t Listen To Your Customers
Who cares how your customers like to shop? Not you! Your customers will have to bend to the way you like to do business!
3. Atmosphere? What Atmosphere?
Customer experience is just a gimmick put on by retail renovation companies to get you to drop more money. Never mind atmosphere – your half-dead incandescent lighting, grey and peeling wallpaper, and smoke-stained ceiling tiles are perfectly fine! Those count for atmosphere, right?
4. Customer Service Is For N00bs
I’m not listening to you! (Source)
As far as you’re concerned, your customers can serve themselves. Who are you, a baby sitter? Not your job to help anyone but yourself!
5. Who Needs Loyalty?
You’re not in business to foster (*shudder*) relationships. So you’re not going to do anything to help your customers possibly getting attached to you or your business in any way – especially not emotionally. Engendering positive customer experiences, even though something as simple as a stamp card, is just not for you.